I Thought Of You Today

I thought of you today… one of those “need mom” kind of moments. Sometimes it still seems so surreal to know that with permanence you are well and truly gone. It doesn’t seem to fit within what makes sense. It’s weird waking up in a world without you.

I know and comprehend all the niceties we tell ourselves at the culmination of loss, gentle fables such as; “she lives on in you,”
“She’s always with you…”
“Just think of her, and she’ll be there… in spirit,” and perhaps my personal favorite — “she’s all around you”.

While these notions are nice and do provide a fleeting respite to battle the void, there are times that they just don’t feel like enough. Times where the weight of the world seems to tip the balance in favor of bereavement. Like a stone cast into water, ripples of grief grow beyond the borders of visible horizon, making land feel so distant some days.

I fear it may always be this way for me; no matter how old I become, the child in me will always miss his mum…

When I close my eyes I am blessed by images of you in your healthier times, and when I open them, the vivid features of the world wash your likeness away from view. I guess you could say that on some days, blinking is the most painful thing I do…

You and I talked a lot about suicide, mum. As a paramedic, it was almost my stock and trade, both in terms of calls attended, and consequence of service. I wish so terribly that you would have talked to me just one more time those years ago… maybe then I’d be talking to you instead of the ghost left behind.

I thought of you today… in a need mum, kind of moment.

Hello,

I’m Matthew

Welcome to the Unfiltered Mind of Matthew Heneghan.

I’m a former Canadian Armed Forces medic (1 Field Ambulance) and civilian paramedic who traded the siren for the pen. After fifteen years on the front lines and a diagnosis of PTSD, I realized that the only way out of the wreckage was through the story.

I am the author of A Medic’s Mind and Trauma and Tea, and the host of the podcast MatthewHeneghan: Unfiltered. This blog is my “fuck you” to the hustle—a space to breathe between the plays and find the magic in the quiet, grit-covered moments of trauma recovery, veteran advocacy, and resilience.

If you’re tired of the “paper value” of society and looking for real-life stories on hitting rock bottom and climbing back up, you’re in the right place. Explore the archives, hear the podcast, and let’s find the space to breathe together.