Author Matthew Heneghan

I walked through the city streets. My gaze lowered but my intention clear: move aside and let me pass, I do not want to be here. The downtown core was alive and bustling with people scurrying from bar to bar. The occasional honk of a passing motorist would overtake the subtle music that played within my ears from my headphones. I had intended to go out for a walk and outrun my brooding intentions. Earlier that night, and what became the causation for my walk, I found myself seated atop of my couch staring a hole through the wall. Looking at nothing and yet seeing everything…

I saw my brother, Starker. Dressed in his army-greens, lain within a casket. An image that is seared to my soul. I felt myself shudder and become nauseous as I returned to the present. Before allowing myself to feel angry at the rumination, I grabbed my hoodie, earphones, and wallet and left my apartment.

After fleeing from the chaotic soiree of the downtown I found myself by the water. Still within the city, but a quieter place. A sun-kissed moon stood brightly overhead. It cast down an encompassing alabaster that glinted from store windows and windscreens of passing cars and busses. It nestled atop of the gentle undulation of the lake. It was close enough to touch, but stretched to the horizon and maybe beyond…

So, there I was, a lone man with forlorn gaze standing beneath a deeply blackened night sky. And a moon, giving light to it all. It was as if I was standing within a painting. One of both pain and serenity. Hauntingly beautiful. A duality not lost on me; for in this picture I am both the subject and the artist.

Speaking of artist, a song began to play within my ear. With each passing stroke of the piano and spoken word, my ears began to catch and trap this soft melody, sending it to my soul. After one playthrough and then another and another after that, I began to sing it myself, albeit silently through closed lips. It was as though I had written the song for me, about her…

The song speaks of “Matthew”. It goes on to mention “Jon,” (my older brother’s name). It speaks of their mum – a woman who drank tea, had stuffed animals and was loved by many. As the song played on it became evident that not only was this “mum” loved by many, but now also missed by so many – she was dead. The song is about a boy singing to his dead mother.

I had never heard of this song before, but as it played it felt as though I knew what he would say next even before hearing it.

I sat down on a near by bench, allowing for the song to play to its conclusion and then… silence. I removed the earbuds from my ears and the sounds of the world began to fade in. On May the 6^th, it will be six months to the day that my mother’s life suddenly ended. It will also be the day that corporal Michal Starker was killed in Afghanistan in 2008. The duality is not lost on me…

I could feel myself beginning to swell, wanting to cry. I didn’t. I just sat there. The gentle chopping of the water against the dock was of little respite. The moon became less splendid. The serenity that had once filled this scene had begun to drift away. Away to the horizon, and maybe beyond.

So, there I was; forlorn and alone. Darkened by a night-sky. Having just listened to a song never heard but known all too well. This song talks about Heaven. Indicating that she [mum] has found peace there. I am not a religious man, but there is a comfort in the thought that somewhere beyond the horizon, my mother has found peace as well. No longer afflicted by her demons.

I looked to the moon, met its glow with my gaze. And instead of seeing a ‘man on the moon’ I tossed a fleeting wish: On this most painful of upcoming days, the 6^th of May, ‘Mum, where ever you may be, look for Starker. Put your arms around him and tell him it’s going to be okay – the same as you used to do with me. It always worked… Tell him I miss him. Know that I miss you. And mum… find peace… And maybe if you can, send a little my way, yeah?’.

Maybe then I’ll say, Hallelujah. But until then, I’ll just say goodnight.

(Below is the song that is referenced within this blog.)